Wednesday, 10 November 2010

First Date Utterances To Keep Sealed

First dates can be a joyous thing, equally, they can be a nightmare with the wrong person. Here's my spin on things to not say on a first date.

1)No really, I think Hitler was misunderstood.

2)My ex and I had sex in the toilet here.

3)I'm weaning myself off Prozac, yeah I'm seeing the world in colour now.

4)I really think if you psychologically damage children at a younger age it makes them stronger human beings you know?

5)I didn't say you needed a nose job, it might be worth thinking about.

6)Man: Could you get this bill? I'm broke. Cheers.

7)They were assholes at my last job. I totally had my multiple personality disorder under control.

8)I met my ex through a dating/pen pals site for prison inmates.He was doing time for double murder.Maan he looked good in that prison uniform. Fuck the system!

9)Man:If you come back to my place you can meet Lolani my blow up sex doll.

10)Man:You remind me of my pet hamster Dirty Harry.It's the way you eat, it's kind of erratic.You should really do something about that.

Red Balloons, Moonwalking and Other Mating Calling Cards

Dont you just love the animal kingdom? They have some of the most wonderfully bizzarre mating rituals. Human beings spend hours, poring over information on how to play the mating game. Not these animals, they keep it instinctual, simple. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Here are a few of my favourites.

What? I taught those Jacksons everything they know.

The Moonwalking Manakin knows how to capture the ladies attention. Don't believe me? Check out the youtube video of the Manakin bustin that famous move!

The player's burden.

The male Antechinus Stuartii loves sex. He loves sex so much he'll do it until he dies. During mating season this little Australian marsupial man dog drops everything to sleep with as many females as he can.He can spend up to 12 hours making love to one female.After they both survive it, barely. He moves onto the next, no time for meals or giving those private parts a break. No siree. When the mating season ends, the stress of being a player takes its toll. He's left with ulcers, a weak immune system and parasites come to feed. He, along with every other male will then die at the end of mating season. At least they die happy and satisfied.

Told you that Kama Sutra book came in handy.

These Bonobo monkeys like to bone. Any excuse. Sex is like a handshake,they use it as a form of greeting, to resolve conflicts and to celebrate.They also like oral sex and french kissing.They enjoy lesbian adventures and same sex wanking. If problem fixing doesn't involve sex well...They can't help you.

Impressive I know. That's how pimps roll.

Meet the Frigatebird. A male Frigatebird's throat sac(that's right throat sac) inflates into a massive, heart shaped red balloon. When the deed is done he calls the female Frigatebirds to come check him out. A female Frigatebird will mate with the male that has the largest and shiniest balloon(it's a brutal world I tell ya). When they're having sex, the male bird uses his wings to cover her eyes so she doesn't get distracted by other males with even bigger balloons!Oh the parrallels to be drawn from that!

I like to penis fence.

Sex is war for Flatworms. They are hermaphrodites, with male and female sexual organs.The male organs are dagger shaped, used for hunting and mating.When they mate two flatworms penis fence to stab each other while trying to avoid being stabbed. The loser gets stabbed and absorbs sperm through the skin.After that comes the joy of motherhood.

Shed Of Geekdom

In which the intrepid spy plays

This brilliantly sneaky gadget is a camera disguised in an Egyptian style lighter. £44.95 Available from Shop Wiki.

Nifty miniature video camera disguised as a functioning pen.For all you budding journalists and private investigators. £24.99 from Play.Com

Dans Le Noir

Ever wanted to attempt eating in the dark and rediscovering the notion of taste and scent? When you eliminate sight, you process your eating experience in a completely different way. Well, there are a number of dark restaurants around the world where you can indulge in this alluringly strange idea including Dans Le Noir. Dans Le Noir have branches in London, Paris, Moscow and Warsaw.I'll definitely be paying a visit there and apparently, the food isn't too shabby either.
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